Crypto-Zoology Services
How can Platinum Squared help you manage a full-scale zombie incident in your company?

Here at P2, we have the ethos that in order to succeed, you have to know your enemy.

In our many years of experience, we have found the most common ‘denial of life’ attacks on companies are carried out by just two species of zombie.

Older zombie attacks tend to come from slow, shambling zombies. Generally these can be defeated by the judicious use of low-tech solutions such as a cricket bat and a pair of decent trainers (though not Adidas, they are for pikeys). Frankly, if you need P2’s help to survive a slow zombie attack, you were selected by nature for extinction, and as we are firm supporters of Darwin, we will leave you to die.

Platinum Squared is on hand to help you survive the zombie outbreak from it’s first few confusing minutes, to getting you out of town whilst the rest of the citizens get on with eating each other’s flesh.


George W Bush said in his talk to the country thing, "When hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth." So the zombie apocalypse is bound to happen sooner or later. However, here at P2 we recognise that you company would look a bit strange if you started bricking up your windows and stockpiling rifles, so we offer a full zombie apocalypse mitigation, remediation and recovery service.

A few pointers on initial survival.

At P2, we believe that situational awareness is key to survival. Note areas around you where large numbers of people tend to congregate, as come the dawn of the zombie nation, that’s where most of them will go (pubs, football grounds and shopping centres are particular hot-spots).

Platinum Squared also provides innovative social networking architectures, whereby you can subtly mention to colleagues, friends and family how well you cellar or house can be defended, so they can come and seek protection with you when the dead rise.

So, you’ve woken up, and the dead have risen.

First of all, call the P2 zombie hotline (0115 9522 498), at that moment out crack team of "Avenging Angel Attack Squad Alpha Mega Kill Force"(tm) will race to your aid, dispensing rapid justice to those nasty zombies who are trying to get your tasty brains.

Platinum Squared has years of experience in the zombie eradication field, we know that the only way to permanently stop a zombie is to destroy its brain. This isn't rocket science (although rocket propelled grenades work well), we use the traditional Mossberg pump-action shotgun, with a close range head-shots as our preferred way of un-zombieing a corpse.

We are however flexible, we have a martial arts expert who can decapitate a zombie with his inner thigh, a pikey who is useful with a blade and bloke with professional bow hunting gear, so all methods of zombie skull penetration  are covered.

Platinum Squared recommends the Buddy System

We here at P2 aren’t overly sentimental, if one of our squad of "Avenging Angel Attack Squad Alpha Mega Kill Force"(tm) is bitten by a zombie, we’ll shoot him in the head and get over it.

P2 will take your select group of survivors and head for the nearest Waitrose. Since the average Waitrose has enough food to keep a few thousand middle-class people fed for a week or more, P2 believes that we should be able to provide you with enough staples to get by for a few months if you limit your group to around 100 or so.

There's a trade-off here between having enough people to defend your supermarket, and enough food to keep them fed. P2 doesn’t know if zombies are edible, but that's a possibility if things get rough. It's not really cannibalism, is it?

The only contractual requirement from P2’s "Avenging Angel Attack Squad Alpha Mega Kill Force"(tm) is that make sure you have some girls with you. Preferably hot chicks, but in the absence of those, some tough biker babes would do.

Platinum Squared – we want to keep your brain uneaten…